The following was supplied by Ray H.

101 Excuses for Playing Badly

After forty plus years playing tennis I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s a really great game – for excuses.

I can think of few comparable sports - except perhaps for golf - which offer so many opportunities for lame excuses when playing badly or missing an easy shot.

Most popular in this extensive compendium of tennis excuses are those categorised under the general heading of “Falling Apart Syndrome”. These are particularly effective and convincing if, like me, you are in the more “mature” bracket i.e. over 40. Alright then, over 50!

How many of these do you recognise?

• I’ve got new glasses
   
• I need new glasses
   
• My back/feet/knees/neck/head//shoulder/arm/armpit hurt
   
• I’ve got tennis elbow/athletes foot/leprosy
   
• My muscles ache
   
• I’m too slow/old/weak/fat
   
• I’ve got a headache (come to think of it, I’ve heard that under different circumstances)
   
• I stubbed my toe on the base of my bed and now and my tennis trainer doesn’t fit
   
• My back support is too tight
   
• My pacemaker is on the blink
   
• I’ve just had heart/lung/brain surgery
   
• I’ve just taken my tablets
   
• I forgot to take my tablets

But this is just the tip of the iceberg. There are so many other wonderful excuses for playing badly or bungling a shot, from the playing conditions (court, weather, environment) to the equipment (balls, rackets, accessories). Let’s put some of these under scrutiny.

Let’s blame the Playing Conditions

• It’s too hot/windy/wet/humid/cold/hazy/bright/dark
   
• It’s too noisy
   
• A drop of sweat got into my eye
   
• The balls from the other court are annoying me
   
• The lights are bad
   
• I don’t like the line calls
   
• The trees are too green
   
• People are watching me

Let’s blame The Equipment

• I need a new racket
   
• I’ve got a new racket and I can’t get used to it (this being despite the fact that it is the latest state-of-the-art, hi-tech model costing the equivalent of a small hatchback – and presumably you tested it first?)
   
• The balls are too soft/fast/slow/wet/invisible
   
• The strings are too tight/loose
   
• My grip is worn/too big/slippery/wrong colour
   
• I need new trainers
   
• I’ve got new trainers

You can probably think of many more. But perhaps the most annoying is the tendency of some players to come up with a completely original and far-fetched excuse, invariably in the middle of a game, which they feel they need to explain at length at the net to the opposing players.

Imagine the scene!

The server, already down four games, is about to serve at love 40. She (but it could equally be a he) serves and slices the ball which shoots off at a right angle into the side netting.

Although still on serve, the server walks to the net and launches into a convoluted explanation which hinges on the fact that just prior to coming on court, she had been preparing a marinade for a chicken dish, which required large amounts of olive oil. It seems that a film of olive oil was left on the server’s hands after washing, which naturally made her hand slippery and she couldn’t get a firm grip on the racket.

This leads to a protracted conversation at the net which encompasses the best way of removing olive oil from the hands, where to buy olive oil and comparative prices, an exchange of olive oil/chicken recipes and reminiscences about holidays in Italy.

The server then strolls back to the service line to continue, pauses, screws up her face and then asks all and sundry: What’s the score? Of course we’ve all forgotten so it starts again at 30 all. At which point the pair opposing Olive Oil, having lost their concentration, lose the game and then the match.

Finally, there are countless excuses for muffing a shot.

I particularly like…

• Oh, I didn’t realise we had started.
   
• I was looking at so and so – he was moving about
   
• Well it was a good idea
   
• I couldn’t see the net/line
   
• I thought it was yours
   
• That was an impossible angle (when you stayed rooted to the spot and set up the shot in the first place)
   
• That was a dodgy bounce (The most widely used genuine excuse, somewhat offset by the bounce being fairly predictable on courts you have been playing on for years)
   
• Was that a red kite up there? (Oft used by the Chairman!)

I rest my case (whatever that was).

Any more suggestions?

Courtesy of Ray H.

Editor’s note:

I particularly like Ray’s on court expletives including “A pox on the ball/racquet/net/line” as appropriate.